Help for Lust: Transparency

Thanks to Scott Newton for drawing my attention to this article that comes from the Covenant Eyes “Breaking Free” blog.  It is a very good article.

I’ve been doing a lot of studying on the topic of lust lately—as a pastor who wants to help the people in the church I pastor, as a father who wants to protect his family, and (especially) as a sinner who knows too well the power of his own flesh. Over the next several weeks, Joe Tyrpak and I hope to share some of what we’re finding to be helpful in our own battles with lust.

One of the first steps to fighting lust, I believe, is to drag it out of dark secrecy and into the light of honest transparency. I believe this with all my heart: especially in the day of internet pornography, anonymity is the enemy of your soul. It seems it has always been so, whether the battle has been against a private liaison or a private fantasy. Part of the lure of sensuality in Proverbs is its promise that “no one will know”:

“For my husband is not at home; he has gone on a long journey; he took a bag of money with him; at full moon he will come home.” (Prov 7:19-20; cp. 7:9; 9:17)

Unlike life-giving plants, lust grows best in the dark. Thus, Richard Baxter counsels you to drag it into the light:

“If less means prevail not open thy case to some able faithful friend, and engage them to watch over thee; and tell them when thou art most endangered by temptation.”

“Concealment is Satan’s great advantage. It would be hard for thee to sin thus if it were but opened.” (Both quoted by Mark Dever in Sex and the Supremacy of God, 260).

First, we must be honest enough to admit that we struggle with lust. All of us. As one comically accurate statistic puts it, 95% of all men struggle with lust, and the other 5% are lying. So admit it. Men in conservative churches have denied the reality of our struggles for far too long, in part to keep up appearances and in part because we’ve feared (rightly in many cases) that our appeal for help would be met with church discipline rather than compassionate instruction. The  result of our timidity and silence is that the same “unspeakable” pornography and infidelity that runs rampant “out there” runs rampant in our churches and homes, as well. It’s painfully obvious that any sin anyone has ever committed—including pornography, adultery, and even pedophilia—is one that can visit churches and homes like ours. It’s time to stop hiding in the dark and admit that you struggle with lust.

Second, we must be honest enough to admit that we need some help. The shape of OT Judaism and NT Christianity is not so much a redeemed individual, but a redeemed assembly. One of the Lord’s gifts to the Christian is the church, filled with brothers, sisters, and leaders who can sharpen us, provoke us to righteousness, and restore us when we’re in trouble (Prov 27:17; Heb 10:24-25; Gal 6:1; Jam 5:20). In my battle with lust, I need help.

At the risk of sounding untheological or unspiritual, in the pursuit of the fear of God (Prov 1:7), some healthy fear of man can sometimes be of help. For me, that means using Covenant Eyes, an accountability program that sends an email listing all of my internet activity to my wife and three pastor-friends. So when I’m alone, I’m not alone, and I don’t view anything in private that I wouldn’t view with those four looking over my shoulder. Many men have sought out accountability partners, but Covenant Eyes has this advantage over other programs: accountability that relies on honest answers (e.g. “How are you doing, friend? Have you viewed anything you shouldn’t lately?”) allows a large loophole, and the flesh loves loopholes. Think of it this way: if your flesh can convince you to look at garbage and pleasure yourself, it probably won’t have a hard time getting you to lie about doing so.

Now, has using Covenant Eyes made me more godly? No. No accountability program or friend can do that. And of course, no accountability program is foolproof. I wish it weren’t necessary—that awareness of God’s omnipresence were enough accountability for me (Prov 5:20). But too often, it’s not. So I lean on my wife and these men not because I am godly, and not to become godly, but because I’m sinful. And while it hasn’t sanctified me, it has kept me from acting as though my temptation to sin is a private matter, and it has prohibited me from spiritually brutalizing myself while I’m growing in grace.  The assurance that sin can remain a secret is a lie, of course, and intentionally demonstrating it to be so and removing that lie from the Tempter’s arsenal has been helpful.

Again, lust is a nearly universal problem. The only people who aren’t struggling with it on some level are probably those who are just surrendering to it without a fight. I struggle, and I sought out help both as an “ounce of prevention” and as a “pound of cure.” Quite honestly, my efforts to battle temptation on my own too often ended in failure. I wish it weren’t so, but there it is. Many of you are probably there, too. I urge you to humble yourself and get some help. Don’t believe the lie that getting help is “beneath you” or will take away from your appearance of “pastoral impeccability.” People don’t mind following a leader who is fighting his flesh; they mind following a leader who denies that he has to fight his flesh, then crashes and burns in a public and irreparable way. Don’t be that guy.

I recommend that you find some genuine friends (a) who know you well, (b) who love you anyway, and (c) who have your respect and  pose enough of a threat to be a deterrent. Tell them you need help. When necessary, call them and admit when you need particular prayer or accountability. Sometimes you just need a friend to whom you can say “Please pray for me. I can’t keep my eyes in the right place” or “I’m remembering things I should forget.” I’ve done it, and I’ve received real help. In addition to that sort of on-the-fly honesty, sign up for Covenant Eyes or something like it, and list those friends as your accountability partners. Why? Because we need to get serious about fighting lust, because doing so requires enough transparency to get some help, and because “concealment is Satan’s great advantage.”